Dealing

Ok baby. You can feel safe with me now. Do your thing and give me a positive HPT in the next few days OK?

I’ve just dealt with a big drama and piece of emotional baggage that I’ve been holding onto for a while now. Boy, does that feel good! Guilt and avoidance are so unhealthy and I am VERY good at them both. Earlier this year, I thought I was superwoman. I was studying fulltime as well as working my very demanding, often stressful job. By May, I wasn’t coping. I had big drama at work and was finding it impossible to focus on uni at all. Even when I had the physical time to study, I just couldn’t find the head space. In June we had the drama of moving house and it wasn’t until July that I had to admit that I’d dropped the study bundle. I decided to quit uni – probably until after baby arrives. After dealing with a lot of disappointment in myself (I’m really good at this self pressure / self sabotage thing) I have been feeling really great about my decision. I’ve been studying in some capacity for the better part of 11 years now (not to mention the 12 years at school before that). This is the first time in a long time that I’ve been able to truly enjoy my weekends and downtime without that voice in the back of my head telling me to ‘get back to work.’ It’s been great.

Unfortunately though, my quitting uni actually impacted on other people (who were friends before they were research partners) and I was so immobilised by the guilt I felt in letting them down that I have been avoiding dealing with it at all. I took the cowards way out and sent them a long email. We’d be waiting until Christmas for me to feel brave enough to make the call… I figured an email was better than that. I don’t know how they’ll react but the ball is now out of my court and I’m very relieved. I know that they’ll be disappointed not to get the research for their organisation that they were hoping for but I think they’re pretty reasonable and empathetic (sympathetic??) people. I’m pretty sure that there is room to rebuild trust and friendship.

It feels so good to have that dealt with. I’m feeling all righteous now and like there is no reason for the universe to withhold pregnancy from me. I know, I’m deluded.

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