Sad, sorry and out

I’m bleeding. Another month, another tiny break in my heart.

I don’t think there’ll be too many more months that I can take this without it having lasting damage.  It’s not so much the disappointment of a BFN that fucks with you, rather it’s the crazy 2ww.  It cannot be good for you to feel that unstable 2 of every 4 weeks.

Ducks and I discussed taking a significant break (like 6 months) if it doesn’t happen by April and as much as that thought pains me, I think it may be really worthwhile.  But big things will have to change and I’ll have to quit my job because there is no way I can be there for another year AND there is no point in going through the trauma of finding a new job if I’m only going to be there for less than a year. (And I need to work somewhere for at least 12 months in order to get maternity leave…)

Anyway, let’s not get too self indulgent and pitiful – there are 2 months and a lot of things that can happen in that time.



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10 responses to “Sad, sorry and out

  1. owlie

    so sorry. it just sucks. breaks can be good things but lets hope it doesn’t come to that.

    look after yourselves

  2. vee

    Oh honey – I’m sorry. I too wonder whether this will scar me for life, but I think all of those IVPers I know who have had babies after trying and trying have said that the pain of it DOES melt away.

    I hope you don’t have to take that break.

  3. I’m sorry. Please be really good to yourselves. You WILL get your baby. You just will. I know it.

  4. i was so hoping for you. and i understand about the 2 week long instability. it’s so hard. love each other and it will all be ok. thinking of you guys.

  5. So I recently had something of a breakdown at a friend’s house about my lack of success at this whole baby thing. She let my cry on her shoulder and said nothing except how sorry she was. And then she told me I had to be a long distance runner. Which I now say to you because it rang so true.

  6. I’m sorry. 😦 It does get very hard. It’s the hope and loss of each cycle that is so hard. And then if you DON’T cycle, it’s the frustration of not even having a chance.

    Just remember that it’s not just one loss you suffer, it’s many. You are completely normal in feeling the sadness and frustration.


  7. ninefirefly

    I’m sorry girl. I hope next month is better for you. Chin up ok?

  8. bleeding sucks. but then again, bleeding makes it all happen in the long run.
    I second the long distance runner metaphor. my k started bleeding last monday and i was sad. But really there are queer folk and straight folk who try and try and try and try with no stickage and then, well then, it happens. to it happening sooner than later and to the journey being one of many learnings–positive and negative alike.

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