I try so hard to feel positive and upbeat about my life right at the moment. I try to heed the words of bloggers wiser than me. I look for the joy. Sometimes I find it. But the truth is that no matter how hard I try to make it different, my life is on hold and I feel pretty hopeless most of the time. Ducks and I were driving today and I let out an almighty sigh. “What’s wrong?” she asks, “I just feel hopeless…I always feel hopeless” I answer. “Really? I always feel overwhelmed” she tells me. Great. What a pair we make.
I know it’s not good to spend your whole life focused on TTC. I know this obsession and stress and pressure is not one bit helpful. I know it’s bad to put other things in your life on hold but I don’t know how to compartmentalise TTC. It’s all consuming and it’s overwhelming.
Today we saw J, an old housemate of mine. He and I were always going to have babies together. Always. When crunch time came, we realised that we weren’t a good match and that was ok. The last time I saw him was in May last year. At the time, we’d just confirmed our wonderful KD and were gearing up for our first ttc attempt. It was a very exciting time and J was really excited for us. In the time since lapsed, other women have started and finished their ttc journey and have given birth by now. The last thing J expected was to hear that I wasn’t pregnant yet. He kinda thought I’d be a long way along. (Not that he was at all insensitive, he wasn’t at all.) He was genuinely distressed for me because when he asked me how I was, all I could honestly say was “just ok.” Poor J. He didn’t ask for the whole sordid story. But he got it. (And so did his new and very lovely, spunky boyfriend).
For now I’m left wondering…Is that how it’s gonna be from now on? Does it ever get to a point where you get beyond “just ok” ?