Here’s the thing…

Following a particularly lovely comment from Sarah on my last blog entry, I’m feeling fraudulent and undeserving!

I am a nutcase. There are no two ways around it. Poor Ducks lives in this volatile environment where one minute I’m sweetness and light and the next minute I’m in tears. I cried the whole way through The L Word last night, despite the fact that it wasn’t a sad, nor bad episode. I cried on the tram on the way home yesterday too but fortunately Ducks wasn’t there to bear witness.

2 days earlier, as we drove home along the magnificent Great Ocean Road, I was a beacon of hope and light. Our 3 nights away were rejuvenating and hope replenishing. I felt calm and sure that I had the strength for whatever the next chapter of our TTC journey would bring. I was totally fine about the lack of potential for pregnancy after this 2ww and I was excited about seeing guru naturopath woman.

That was before the news of yesterday afternoon. Yesterday afternoon I skipped off to the doctor to collect my blood test results fully expecting low progesterone to be among the findings. Nope. Progesterone 36.5 on CD 21. Perfect! Prolactin perfect, LH perfect, FSH perfect…everything fucking perfect… So I cried. Because I’d based all my hope and sanity on progesterone being the problem – a problem that, if I reached desperation point, could be easily fixed by western meds.

Now, sitting here, at 9dpo, with perfect progesterone and crazy temps, I am fixated on the possibility that maybe I am pregnant. Because if my progesterone is fine, then I should just get pregnant. Because that’s what I made myself believe. And to worry that the problem may be greater, more complex, is too much for me to bear.

My appointment with guru naturopath is in 3 hours. Heaven help us all if she can’t restore some hope and faith.

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3 Comments

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3 responses to “Here’s the thing…

  1. Good luck at the naturopath! And I really hope that everything is all perfect right now because you are ALREADY pregnant.

    Chart looks good – there’s even a potential implantation dip in there!

  2. vee

    I’m so sorry you’re feeling so down and frustrated. I totally understad that feeling of WANTING them to find something wrong, because if at least the problem has a name, it can be fixed, right?

    I think that trying to get pregnant the way that we’re trying to get pregnant is geared up to make us feel failed and broken and disfunctional. But I have come to the conclusion that this is not a correct assumption to make. Human reproduction is so incredibly inefficient and hit and miss and the things that we consider to be “wrong” with us, the things that need “fixing” are things that are just normal. Yes, they may be behind why we take longer to get pregnant than others, or why we miscarry, but they’re still normal. Because I don’t really believe any more that people “just get pregnant”. I think we’re just more aware of how hard it can me, much earlier on in the game.

    I’m not really sure, however, that me saying that helps at all. It has taken me a long time to reach some kind of peace with this idea, and I think it’s only happened because we’ve been trying so long that I had to find some way to live with it. And I CAN live with it, because I know that it will happen. It will happen for you too.

    So sorry for the massive ramble!

  3. Oh dear! Don’t feel “fraudulent and undeserving”! It’s ok to have ups and downs. In fact, I think it’d be odd if you didn’t.

    I understand the overwhelming, unexplainable, frustrating wait. You want something declarative to point out that yes, you are indeed pregnant, or that no, you’re not.

    So we live in the maybe. I wish you hope and resilience. oxox

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