Terror

Firstly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you, all, for your kind words, your support, your love and your excitement. To those of you battling infertility or in the throws of tww madness, I understand that a fellow TTC’ers BFP is bittersweet at best and likely, a knife in a wound for some of you. I wish I could wave around that mystical, magical baby dust and make it happen for you. I am sending all the vibes and love and thoughts and karma that an atheist possibly can to everyone who needs it.

It’s been about 48hours since that second pink line appeared. Ducks and I have moved through several emotions pretty quickly and for the moment, I think we are both settled on terror. Ducks, because she’s simply freaked out. Everything is going to change. She’s not a huge fan of change but she’s getting used to the idea and she’s coming ’round. At any rate, it’s too late now!  My terror is more deeply rooted in the possibility of blood. Technically, my period is due sometime in the next 24hours. I’m petrified that it’s just around the corner.  I’d love to say that I’ve been walking on air this last 2 days, but the reality is that I’ve been riding on the edge of intense anxiety. Every tiny twinge, every possible cramp, every unusual feeling is sending shivers down my spine. Worst of all, every second that the nausea and heartburn are absent (I shit you not, I have all-day sickness already…have done since 10dpo) I’m convinced that this is a chemical pregnancy and it’s going to end any second. I think, once I make it to 5 weeks I’ll lose the terror a little. 12 weeks and I might be able to relax.

So here I am, pregnant, and all I can give your in whining and anxiety. I’m sorry. Bring on the next phase, I say.

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9 Comments

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9 responses to “Terror

  1. yup, another sara

    I understand this completely– I felt exactly the same way and I think it is something that so many women feel and so very few talk about. I think the fear must also be heightened the more you know, the more people you know who’ve had losses, and the more you’ve tried to get that positive in the first place. But it is so unexpected, this terror, and I think that makes it harder.

    So, make room for the fear and for the excitement and happiness too– I’m sending all the love and good vibes a sort-of-Jewish(ish) gal can send you.

  2. Wow!!! Just read the AWESOME news!!!! Wow wow wow!!!! I have not taken this news as a stab in my heart. I am THRILLED for you two, and reassured. This will happen for the rest of us. I know it.

    I am on the moon for you. Hope that 12-week reassurance comes soon. Congrats again to you guys. You deserve it!!! What an amazing bday gift!!!

  3. mycowgirlalterego

    Hey. Maybe we can whine together? This is scary, scary, scary. And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. xxoo

  4. You are totally normal. Hell, I’m afraid to even see a positive!! I begged my doctor the other day that if I get a positive beta, could she just put me in a coma for 8 months??

    We’ll be here for you the whole way.

    love and hugs!!

  5. Pingback: Positive Response « PBX makes four

  6. I’m sorry for the worry love. Know that MOST women bleed at least a bit in the first 12 weeks. You body may even still have a bit of a period. I know it won’t make it better, but I just hope the terror vanishes soon. You are such a good mum! Much peace and wellness to you both. xoxo

  7. I’m so excited for you. Just don’t grope yourself in public to make sure they are still sore – very embarrassing if a co-worker sees you. Trust me. 🙂

  8. don’t know if it is helpful but at 23 weeks I am still expecting to see blood when i go pee…..
    I think it just reflects how desperately we want it and how scared we are of living without it.

    hope things are OK and getting better and those symptoms are stronger and more distracting than ever.

    look after yourselves.

  9. How are you doing love? I’ve been sending you lots of worry-free juju.

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