Terror

Firstly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you, all, for your kind words, your support, your love and your excitement. To those of you battling infertility or in the throws of tww madness, I understand that a fellow TTC’ers BFP is bittersweet at best and likely, a knife in a wound for some of you. I wish I could wave around that mystical, magical baby dust and make it happen for you. I am sending all the vibes and love and thoughts and karma that an atheist possibly can to everyone who needs it.

It’s been about 48hours since that second pink line appeared. Ducks and I have moved through several emotions pretty quickly and for the moment, I think we are both settled on terror. Ducks, because she’s simply freaked out. Everything is going to change. She’s not a huge fan of change but she’s getting used to the idea and she’s coming ’round. At any rate, it’s too late now!  My terror is more deeply rooted in the possibility of blood. Technically, my period is due sometime in the next 24hours. I’m petrified that it’s just around the corner.  I’d love to say that I’ve been walking on air this last 2 days, but the reality is that I’ve been riding on the edge of intense anxiety. Every tiny twinge, every possible cramp, every unusual feeling is sending shivers down my spine. Worst of all, every second that the nausea and heartburn are absent (I shit you not, I have all-day sickness already…have done since 10dpo) I’m convinced that this is a chemical pregnancy and it’s going to end any second. I think, once I make it to 5 weeks I’ll lose the terror a little. 12 weeks and I might be able to relax.

So here I am, pregnant, and all I can give your in whining and anxiety. I’m sorry. Bring on the next phase, I say.