fantasy land

I have been deeply embedded in tww fantasy land for the last few days.  Fantasy is great but it really does make you feel really stupid when reality sets in.  Humour me, nonetheless, while I report the following imaginary symptoms…

• twinges – in my uterus. Lots of them.
• pains – in my thighs. And in my boobs. As though I was about to bleed. But it’s way too early.
• horrific and vivid dreams – resulting is hysterical crying in my sleep.
• frequent urination – even more so than usual.

And to top it all off, my chart is looking prettier than it’s ever looked. Pregnant or not, vitex is my drug of choice!

Making the tough decisions

Ducks and I have a dilemma.  Technically speaking, we’ve had this dilemma for about 6 years now. Our dilemmas has a name.  It’s Millicent. She’s our very naughty tortoiseshell kitty.   Our dilemma came into our lives  when I was in a pretty low spot and insanely thought that a cute little kitten would be the answer to all my problems.  Prior to the insanity, I didn’t even like cats but we did already have our bouncy puppy, Jemima.  Both Jemima and Millicent were adopted – M was a stray kitten at a lost pets home and J was about 2 and could no longer be cared for by her 1st Mummy.  Both J and M were hard work from the start. The difference is that J is now a delight and M still shows no sign of improvement. She’s always grumpy. rarely shows us any love, swipes, hisses and spits at us when we try to get close, often smashes our glassware, is generally demanding and is really aggressive towards other animals.   (The pics above are typical. I wanted to take a photo but the minute I got close, she swiped and hissed at me!)

When our ragdoll kitten Nina came to live with us we thought she may have been the answer to chilling M out a bit. WRONG! Instead, M gained a new punching bag and poor N is constantly being beaten up.  In the last 12 months, it has gotten a lot worse and Nina has been having some serious health and anxiety issues as a result.

Meanwhile, J and N are best friends. They adore each other. We adore them too.

So, it’s time to get serious. Ducks and I are having conversations about re-homing M.  We don’t want to have these conversations. We’ve had them before and each time we’ve had them, suddenly M’s behaviour has improved.  But the reality is, the overall picture is not good. M is aggressive and causing us all distress. She needs to be an only child and we simply cannot offer her that kind of family configuration.

But how do you re-home a kitty who you’ve spoken only ill of over the last 6 years? None of our friends will want her.  They know better. And if we take her to a shelter, she’ll probably get put down.

It’s horrible. We do love her.  The times when we think she’s missing are always anxiety ridden – we couldn’t bare to lose her but we just can’t keep her anymore. We have to think about the greater picture here. I never really understood why people got rid of their pets before having children, but if there are other M’s out there, then I’m no longer shocked or judgmental.

I’ve made my decision, but Ducks is yet to really come around. She’s much more into the pets generally than I am so it’s going to take a bit to convince her.

In the meantime, anyone want a 6yo tortoiseshell named Millicent? Would suit professional couple with small garden and no children.

family ties

My Mum is so excited about becoming a grandparent that it’s actually comical.  Though she vaguely knows we are TTC, we certainly haven’t shared the gritty details with her.  She’s bossy and way too demanding to be entrusted with that kind of information.  Very early on, after I gave her an icy response re our TTC plans, she offered to stop asking about future kid with the assurance that I would let her know when there was actually something to know. Problem is, so much time has lapsed since those early conversations that she’s getting impatient. Hell, so am I! But now, every time we speak (which is several times a week) she manages to throw in a very loaded ‘any news?’ It’s sweet, but it’s so much pressure.  Part of me wants to bare my every TTC anxiety to her but I know letting her in like that would be a mistake. She’d be bound to give me unsolicited, insensitive advice like ‘patience is a virtue’ – advice like that, from a Capricorn to an Aries would only fuel my frustration and leave me wishing I’d never said anything.  Not sharing all this with my Mama though –  it’s a bit strange.  (Mums partner, in case you’re interested, is a fairly non-committal kinda, laid back guy. He’s got a few homophobic prejudices but essentially, he’s pretty alright. If Mum’s happy, he’s happy.)  When I finally get knocked up and break the news to her, she will squeal. I can hear it already.

My Dad, on the other hand, is completely in the dark about all of this.  I’m worried. I have no desire to tell him at all. Ever.  I have a friend who never told her traditional Chinese mother that she was accidentally pregnant and planning on having the baby as a single mother. She just let her mother work it out.  That child is now 9 and is the apple of his grandmothers eye. To this day she has never asked my friend about her sons father or his Latin American looks. It’s strange but it works for them. Anyway, I digress.  My Dad has been ordinary, if not absent, my entire life.  He lives an hour away, comes to the city weekly, and yet we only see him 2 or 3 times a year. We probably only speak 1 or 2 more times than that. His wife is reactionary and conservative. She still makes comments to me about having a husband. I honestly have no idea what my Dad’ll think about me having a baby, though I suspect he’ll be pretty into having a grandchild. His wife, however, will not be backwards about coming forwards, I’m sure. She’ll feel entitled to her opinions and obliged to share them with us.  Like I said, I’m worried. Should I be telling them now, before I’m pregnant? Or should I tell them when I’m 8 months pregnant? I feel sick just thinking about it. Input welcome?

…meanwhile, poor Ducks is worried that her family won’t recognise her as an equal parent. It’s all so complex. But that is a discussion for another day.

3 dpo? maybe?

A lovely online friend offered me some very wise words about Fertility Friend a few months ago. “Fertility Friend is wack!” Never a truer word spoken. Who knows when I ovulated? I think it was yesterday. FF doesn’t. Perhaps I should take bets?

So, what do you think? I reckon my timing was probably quite good, regardless.

And how cool to be tww’ing with other cool queer ttc’ers – starrhillgirl,  mrsbluemont,
who else? I’m pretty sure there’s more of us!

Play with me, part two. Clues!

Would it help if I threw somes artists out there?
Be Good Tanya’s, CocoRosie, Peaches, Northern State, Tegan and Sara…told you it read like the music list of a very compliant lesbian!

There’s a few more too but I’m at work and have to look like I’m actually working, so flicking back to my blog every 2 seconds is gonna get me in trouble in a minute!

Play with me!

It’s an egg-y kind of day and I need distractions because we did our first of 2 insems this morning and I’m already feeling impatient…

Stolen shamelessly from Grace at What if No Ones Watching?

iTunes meme

The job for you, dear readers, is to correctly identify the songs from which these first line lyrics come. Songs chosen randomly using the shuffle function…

1. “Starting now the wait is over as long as you jump the ride.”
2. “My friend assures me its all or nothing. I am not worried, I am not overly concerned.” Anna Begins – Counting Crows (Sara)
3. “Sometimes I don’t know where this dirty road is taking me.”
4. “Sucking on my titties like you wanted me, calling me.” Fuck the Pain Away – Peaches (ninefirefly)
5. “Sometimes I find I get to thinking of the past.”
6. “I’m free balling, yeah, I’m free falling.”
7. “So if you want something, and you call, call.”
8. “Dignified in what she does when she sings.”
9. “Life is like a roller coaster. It does flips and throws you over.”
10. “How can I go home with nothing to say?” You Had Time – Ani D (Sara)

I’m slightly embarrassed by the lesbian cliche this list represents me as…but I’ll survive. Feel free to recommend some new and interesting music – cliche or not!

And just in case you’d prefer obsessing to game playing, my chart (thanks MrsBluemont & Ducks for explaining the technical stuff!)….

I’ve seen the future and it’s not pretty!

I had a glimpse into the future last night. My mother is going to be a NIGHTMARE grandparent.

She hosted a bbq last night and my step brother and his wife brought their 5(!) boys (!!!). We don’t have a lot to do with this side of the family because the rest of my step siblings are awful, nasty, mean-spirited people. Anyway – Mum has always wanted to be more involved with these kids and decided to be proactive – inviting us all over for dinner.

You have never seen so much sugar! There were easter eggs everywhere. Sweets, desserts, soft drinks (soda)…you name it. And crap everywhere – she went to Aldi and bought as much cheap shit for them to play with as she could find.

I know grandparents are supposed to spoil their grandbabies but surely you’ve gotta have some boundaries and respect for the kids parents.  In fact, I distinctly remember her battling with my Nana over exactly these issues.

And it wasn’t just the food/crap stuff that was an issue.  She was judgmental and prescriptive and out of control….telling the 6 month old exclusively breast fed baby that it was a little fatty…and telling the parents that they shouldn’t call Sebastian “Basti” but rather “Seb.” Like it’s any of her business what nickname they call their own baby.

I spent the whole night saying, “Mum, they’re not your kids – their parents can make that decision!.”

I don’t think I’ve ever had enough compassion for people with interfering grandparent issues but I do now.

My time

The eggs are preparing to drop, the moon is almost full, there’s a fertility festival going on (Easter) and the sun is just entering Aries (I’m an Aries). This is my time! How often do these 4 things happen in unison?

If fertility is really determined by the moon, then I’m truly blessed this month. I’ve heard countless stories about women who chart their cycle to avoid pregnancy only to get knocked up during a full moon. Gee I hope those stories are true.

I think we’ll insem tomorrow and Sunday. It’s good. It’s all good.

out in the cold

For the first time in almost 7 years of our relationship, I slept on the couch last night.  I’ll probably sleep there again tonight.

Though not quite the drama you relate to sleeping on the couch, there is a small drama attached. Poor Ducks is sick. Really sick. Fever, snot, vomit. She’s got it all. On a day where it’s almost 40degrees (104f) again, Ducks is dripping with sweat and freezing cold. The poor thing. She’s one sick bunny and I don’t intend to get it – so I’m consuming vitamins like they’re chocolate and keeping as much distance as a good nurse maid can.

On a different note – we saw the last of our Queer Film Fest films last night – t’was aptly about a couple of Parisian dykes trying to make a baby. Le Nouveau Monde. Was very sweet and well worth seeing – even Ducks in her snotty misery really enjoyed it. (Though she’s 100 times sicker today and in hindsight, perhaps I should have insisted on a raincheck. oops.)

I wish every week was queer film fest week.

extraordinary stuff

Do you ever find yourself favouring a word that you generally wouldn’t use often? For me, this tends to happen with larger than life adjectives. Tremendous is one, exceptional another.

The word of the last few days seems to be extraordinary. The universe just keeps on throwing out things which I am finding extraordinary.

1. The heat we are experiencing in this part of the world is truly extraordinary. It’s mid-March in the southern hemisphere, the leaves are turning and the temperature is still hovering in the high 30’s. It’s supposed to reach 40 today. Extraordinary.

2. I am reading a truly extraordinary book right now. Parenting for a Peaceful World by Robin Grille.

Though written by a psychologist, this book is by no means your run-of-the-mill self-help, pop psychology manual. If it were, I would probably run screaming. Rather, this book carefully examines the anthropology of childhood from as early as 3 or 4AD – suggesting that the way society regards and parents children is reflective of the nature of that society. The premise hence is that parenting is deeply integral to achieving a peaceful, sustainable world.

I think what I’m really loving about this book so far is that it’s not interested in parent blaming or victim blaming or blaming the individual. Grille gets that so much that is wrong in the world today is about systemic oppression and inequity and he understands how that impacts on child raising and childhood. He’s not at all interested an elitist approach to parenting, nor an individualist one but he is interested in creating communities which produce nurtured, emotionally intelligent kids who grow up with a real sense of social justice and play out those sentiments in their personal relationships.

The chapter on infanticide and child sacrifice is hard going but aside from that, so far, this book really is extraordinary stuff. I highly recommend.

3. Stories of resilience. This time last week I had worked myself into a frenzy. It was the day of my mum’s partners 70th birthday and I was not looking forward to it. I hadn’t seen my (psuedo) step brothers since I left home at 18 and as far I was concerned, I never wanted to see them again. I was pre-menstrual and truly caught up in my own not-pregnant pity. There were tears and I even threw up on the way there.
The family stuff that night was as expected. Snarky, nasty and generally unpleasant. I smiled all night. It was extraordinary to me that I got through the evening but that’s not the really extraordinary thing.

What was truly extraordinary on this particular night was the couple that Ducks and I were seated opposite. I’d never met them before. They looked to me to be a typical mid 30’s, suburban, conservative, straight couple. It wasn’t my intention to tell them about TTC but my sisters best friend managed to tell the whole table which, once the initial dirty look was shot (from me to sis’ best friend), turned out to be a blessing.

Said suburban couple were thrilled at our TTC plans. They had a beautiful 9 month old daughter at home and were eager to hear everything – donors, laws, birth certificates, turkey basters…the whole she-bang. I learnt a big lesson about judging books by cover that night. But what I learnt even more about was resilience.

Their path to parenthood had been fraught. After TTC for almost a year with no luck, they discovered polyps. Pleased to have found an answer, they had the polyps removed and BAM! The very next cycle, they conceived triplets! NATUALLY. Extraordinary, right? As you would expect, the pregnancy was difficult and at 18 weeks, Mum was in hospital on complete bedrest. At 20+ weeks they lost all 3 babies. This poor woman had to birth 3 dead babies. 3 months later she was pregnant again. And again, she lost the baby. And one more time after that too.

I cannot conceive of the hell. I’m still devastated by the whole story. But they are alive and well and thrilled with their 9 month old bundle of joy.

An amazing couple. An extraordinary woman.

4.

I’ve been meaning to discuss the extraordinariness of koala’s for a while now. Tiff (I think) mentioned this picture today so now is the time to discuss. Before this year, I had never seen a koala in the wild. Crazy huh? Sure, I’d seen them at zoo’s and animal sanctuary’s, hell, I even have a photo of me holding one at Dreamworld when I was about 10. But in the forest, just look up kinda stuff, never.

The appropriate forest has now been visited and I can proudly say that I’ve now seen multiple koalas in the wild. And they are very very cute and they are serious posers, and they are feisty. You wouldn’t want to cross a koala. They claw and scratch and growl and are said to be very vicious.

And just in case the mythology has not yet been debunked in your part of the world, Australian kids do not ride kangaroos to school, and koalas are not bears. They are extraordinary little creatures though.

That’s all.