beat up

Seriously, I was not expecting these early weeks to be this hard. I’ve had enough of the crappiness. I feel like I’ve been in a bar-room brawl. Sleeping is almost impossible. My boobs are unbearable and my pelvis is falling apart. My hips are killing me. I feel sick if I eat, I feel sick if I don’t eat.

Don’t get me wrong. I am still thrilled to be pregnant and cannot wait to be a Mum but this bit is tough and I just need to whine. Thanks for reading… xo

telling

It’s been another whole week since I last blogged. It’s not that I don’t love you all in blogland, I really do, really really. It’s just that this little embryo is kicking my butt.  It’s amazing what something the size of rice can achieve! By the end of the day, I am completely fucked – can’t speak, can’t read, can’t make decisions, can’t remember the last thing I said. And man, do I feel sick. Every single minute of the day. And many times during the night too! Why is it that I could sleep all day but the minute the sun goes down, I’m wracked with insomnia. I’d kill for some real sleep. I hope it comes in the second trimester.

About sharing the news… We were trying to wait 12 weeks with a few exceptions for parents and a couple of close friends but once we started telling, it was really all over. Everyone we’ve told is sworn to secrecy but at this stage, we’re not sure who there would be left to tell. (Actually, yes we are – my Dad and Ducks Dad…neither of them will be fun)

I told my Mum last week. She cried. She’s over the moon, ecstatic! She keeps calling me Mummy and she is already onto making us a big stash of fitted cloth nappies (diaper).

Ducks told her Mum and Bro today. Apparently her mum squealed and jumped up and down with excitement. After that, she said, ‘they just looked a bit confused!’

I had to tell work yesterday – I’ve already taken a sick day and am getting to work progressively later everyday. I’m behind on deadlines and generally flaky so I had to come clean.  My co-workers are thrilled. One is already planning a baby shower for me and has a list of stuff she wants to give me. Another, knowing she’ll never have another of her own, is thrilled to have me to live vicariously through.  Our coordinator had already figured it out because of the sick day I took!

We’ve also told a large handful of our friends. They’re happy for us. Some more than others – but all very supportive. From today onwards, we won’t tell a soul until we’re past that dreaded 12 week mark! (BTW – If I know you on Facebook, please don’t out me as knocked up there – there are people on FB that I genuinely don’t want to know for quite some time…thanks)

I’m off to the osteopath now. It’s the first time I’ve seen her since she rightly predicted that I was pregnant (2 days before the + test) and I can’t wait to talk to her about it…and more than that, I can’t wait for her to fix my aching body!

I’ll try to update you more, but no promises…

Moving forward

I’ve really felt disconnected from myself and everything and everyone else since those magical pink lines appeared almost two weeks ago. I’ve barely felt like blogging and have hardly even paid attention to the rest of the blogging world. So many of us seem to retreat from blogging once that BFP is achieved and I understand why now. I am nonetheless, back on the wagon!

The debilitating fear of which I’ve been writing is finally less debilitating and the chunks of time where I’m not a nervous wreck are increasing. There are even moments of complete joy, which is so very welcome. Still though, this is slow time. 5 weeks, 4 days.

Ducks has been the most wonderful and supportive partner that a girl could wish for. She says she knows that everything is going to be ok and she’s treating me like royalty. She’s so motivated and is trying really hard to make this time special. A few days after the BFP, she brought home a pregnancy cook book. It’s so typically Ducks that the only pregnancy book she’s bought herself relates to food! I really had to giggle when I saw it – she’s the sort who can always be found in the cookery section of major book shops – lost Ducks? Have you checked the cook books? It’s almost pathological. Anyway, the recipes are pretty good and she’s been so diligent in trying recipes that won’t make me nauseous. Green beans, great! Pears, not so much.

Not only has she become an enthusiastic cook but she’s barely letting me do any housework either. Last night as she buzzed around cleaning up after dinner, doing laundry, attending to the animals, she meekly asked me to sort the socks. My one job for the evening involved sitting on the couch, watching crap tv and pairing up socks. I am spoilt. I got so lucky when I found her. She’s a keeper and I’m so honoured that she wants to keep me too especially given some of my very ordinary behaviour of late.

So, a quick symptom check

• tired beyond belief – but not everyday.
• nausea and reflux – most days, but no vomiting yet.
• stuffy nose – every morning and usually again by the end of the day.
• momentary twinges and pains in my uterus – every day, often.
• low level ovarian cramps – every few days, in the evening.
• sore boobs – sometimes, this is a strange one. at times I cannot stand the pain and other times, I can slap them around without consequence.
• peeing – lots!
• moodswings – some days, but no tears yet.
• early morning insomnia! – I love lying wide awake from 4am to 6am – it’s especially great when I have to get up at 6.30!

As strange as it may sound, I’m looking forward to the onset of vomiting. I think it’ll help to ease my fears a bit!

day by day

This pregnancy thing is hard work.  I know I should be reveling in joy but I’m still having trouble trusting that little squeak is going to stick around.  The nausea that has been so dominant for the last two weeks all but disappeared today. Granted, my boobs are killing me, but that nausea has been so reassuring since the appearance of those two pink lines and is like my security blanket.

Nonetheless, we are forging forward.  I’ve had a host of blood tests, got a referral to the birth centre, booked my 12 week ultrasound and told a handful of close friends.  And I’m fantasising daily about my last week of work – sure it won’t be until mid November but I can finally put a time on it and that, my friends, is something to be excited about.

We are also going to Bali in about 5 weeks. I’ll be 10 weeks by then but being the stress head that I am, I’m worried about flying in the first trimester. I know it’s irrational, but my mind is just so full of ‘what if’s?’

The hardest thing is that time has virtually ground to a halt.  I thought the tww was bad, but no matter how many times I close my eyes and click my heels, I am rarely any closer to the 13 week safety valve.

Phew…so neurotic, so boring. Next post I’ll tell you some fun stuff. For now, I’m taking my sore boobs and my crazed self off to bed.

still here

Still here, still pregnant, still feeling crappy. Busy with a conference all week but will try to post something interesting soon.

xo

Terror

Firstly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you, all, for your kind words, your support, your love and your excitement. To those of you battling infertility or in the throws of tww madness, I understand that a fellow TTC’ers BFP is bittersweet at best and likely, a knife in a wound for some of you. I wish I could wave around that mystical, magical baby dust and make it happen for you. I am sending all the vibes and love and thoughts and karma that an atheist possibly can to everyone who needs it.

It’s been about 48hours since that second pink line appeared. Ducks and I have moved through several emotions pretty quickly and for the moment, I think we are both settled on terror. Ducks, because she’s simply freaked out. Everything is going to change. She’s not a huge fan of change but she’s getting used to the idea and she’s coming ’round. At any rate, it’s too late now!  My terror is more deeply rooted in the possibility of blood. Technically, my period is due sometime in the next 24hours. I’m petrified that it’s just around the corner.  I’d love to say that I’ve been walking on air this last 2 days, but the reality is that I’ve been riding on the edge of intense anxiety. Every tiny twinge, every possible cramp, every unusual feeling is sending shivers down my spine. Worst of all, every second that the nausea and heartburn are absent (I shit you not, I have all-day sickness already…have done since 10dpo) I’m convinced that this is a chemical pregnancy and it’s going to end any second. I think, once I make it to 5 weeks I’ll lose the terror a little. 12 weeks and I might be able to relax.

So here I am, pregnant, and all I can give your in whining and anxiety. I’m sorry. Bring on the next phase, I say.

faintness

I caved. It’s faint. It’s 5pm, drinking water all day pee. But it’s definitely positive. The photo doesn’t do justice to just how beautiful it is. OMG! I have no idea what to do next.

Best.early.birthday.present.ever.

Two more sleeps…

…’til my birthday! And ’til I can test. My chart isn’t looking as pretty anymore, but it’s not too ugly either. The has categorically been the longest tww thus far. It’s not that I’ve been crazy neurotic, but I just haven’t been able to think about much else.  Usually, until about today (10dpo) I can keep it together and go hours without even thinking about being not/pregnant but I’ve been lucky to go minutes this 2ww.  It’s certainly been a while since I’ve done anything useful at work.

If there are any Melbournians out there who have spare time/ a reliable babysitter / the desire to laugh, can I recommend you get along to see Nelly Thomas is not a Yummy Mummy at the Comedy Festival. 

Nelly is hilarious. I’ve loved her for years and now that she’s a Mama, there’s even more to love. It’s a short show – you’ll be tucked up in bed by 9.30 so there’s really no excuse.  Oh – even better, she’s doing a cry-baby session this Sunday arvo! Go!

And now, I shall try and concentrate on work…for at least 12 minutes!