babymaking crazy style!

Heh. So much for thinking I might be insem’ing a wee bit early, if at all, this month.  Sitting at home, alone, yesterday afternoon I decided to do a OPK test, just in case. I’d done one on Saturday night but it was very clearly negative so I wasn’t thinking much about this one.

It was, of course, a very strong, very clear, very dark POSITIVE. On CD 12. I don’t usually ovulate until CD15. Eek. Ducks was uncontactable. KD was uncontactable. Eek.

Ducks came home later in the evening and called KD.  Last night was not a good night for him and we agreed to a morning insem, which I would have to do on my own, today.

Well, I insem’ed in the most manic way possible. Left the house at 8.45. Got caught in horrible traffic on the way to collect the swimmers and what should have been a 7 minute drive turned into a 35 minute drive – during which time I made a Dr’s appointment for 10.15 because that’s all that was available…got home with the swimmers at 9.35. Pee’d. Shot the swimmers up all.on.my.own. Put my legs in the air for 10 minutes. Tilted my pelvis a bit. Tried to give myself an orgasm. Jumped up. Felt a stack of something rush down my leg. Threw on some clothes and ran to the Dr.

So – I’m thinking it was probably a wasted effort, right? I really didn’t give myself enough rest time and I’m pretty sure most of the swimmers ended up swimming back out again. Anyone wanna tell me differently?

The upshot of the whole exercise was that the Dr – who I have never seen before, was young and I think a bit intimidated by me, and was really agreeable and ordered all the blood work I asked for and more! This is a great step forward and I’m thrilled to finally be having my progesterone tested! (and Vit D and prolactin and FSH and LH…and thyroid, again!)

BTW – Dr said to get the tests on CD 21 but I’m thinking that’s the generic day… It’s better to do it 7dpo, right?

Off to get some more free acupuncture to kick off the 2ww.

oh boy. horrible stuff.

Perhaps I’m a bit slow on the uptake but I just read about Lawrence King. There are so so many things wrong with this picture, I can’t even begin to list them. That poor child. His poor family.

You can read about it here.

just ok

I try so hard to feel positive and upbeat about my life right at the moment. I try to heed the words of bloggers wiser than me. I look for the joy. Sometimes I find it. But the truth is that no matter how hard I try to make it different, my life is on hold and I feel pretty hopeless most of the time. Ducks and I were driving today and I let out an almighty sigh. “What’s wrong?” she asks, “I just feel hopeless…I always feel hopeless” I answer. “Really? I always feel overwhelmed” she tells me. Great. What a pair we make.

I know it’s not good to spend your whole life focused on TTC. I know this obsession and stress and pressure is not one bit helpful. I know it’s bad to put other things in your life on hold but I don’t know how to compartmentalise TTC. It’s all consuming and it’s overwhelming.

Today we saw J, an old housemate of mine. He and I were always going to have babies together. Always. When crunch time came, we realised that we weren’t a good match and that was ok. The last time I saw him was in May last year. At the time, we’d just confirmed our wonderful KD and were gearing up for our first ttc attempt. It was a very exciting time and J was really excited for us. In the time since lapsed, other women have started and finished their ttc journey and have given birth by now. The last thing J expected was to hear that I wasn’t pregnant yet. He kinda thought I’d be a long way along. (Not that he was at all insensitive, he wasn’t at all.) He was genuinely distressed for me because when he asked me how I was, all I could honestly say was “just ok.” Poor J. He didn’t ask for the whole sordid story. But he got it. (And so did his new and very lovely, spunky boyfriend).

For now I’m left wondering…Is that how it’s gonna be from now on? Does it ever get to a point where you get beyond “just ok” ?

Personal Training

I know it’s been another week long hiatus but this isn’t like the last one, truly.  I may not have been to the gym in a while but I definitely feel like I’ve run a marathon (which parallels nicely with the lovely marathon metaphors offered to me when I was sad and sorry last week – thanks folks 🙂  ). We’ve been so busy and I’ve been so tired.  Last weekend, with much arm twisting from Ducks dad (who is a coffee roaster) we reluctantly agreed to run a coffee cart at the Sustainable Living Festival – I don’t think I’ve ever worked sooooooo hard in my life.  There are people who spend their lives going from festival to festival making coffee, my hat goes off to them. 3 x 14hour days standing on concrete…that is damn hard work and I don’t plan on doing it again. Anyway, festival over and without a moment for a breath, I had a horrific submission to get in for my real job this week. No time to recover, no days in-between, no sleep ins – just hit the ground running and don’t stop until it’s over… and thank the stars, today it’s over! I stayed in bed until 9am and have spent the rest of the day trying to shape some semblance of order into this house.

Since the blood started flowing last week I’ve been thinking loads about a plan of attack. I know something isn’t right but I’m also positive it won’t be too hard to fix it.  I found an awesome osteopath who is fixing my neck once and for all. She’s so cool and she knows stacks about fertility and specialises in pregnancy and newborns.  She agrees with me that despite a good, low, stable TSH reading, I’m still in a bit of thyroid trouble and is pissed off that western medicine can’t see that.  I have ridiculously low temps both pre and post ovulation and I’ve gotta get that fixed.  I’m positive I’ve got a progesterone problem and so is osteo girl and my TCM friends.  I sensed the low progesterone thing a couple of months ago and started myself on vitex at the recommendation of a couple of online folk but I realise now that I’ve gotta stop with all the self diagnosing/prescribing.  And I’ve gotta stop with the 17 different modalities of health care.  I’ve decided to stick with the acupuncture but lay off the chinese herbs (which osteo girl thinks are sometimes too strong for ttc) and next week I’m going to a fertility naturopath to hear what she makes of this sorry state of affairs.  I’m sure she’s going to freak when she hears how much stuff (tinctures, chinese herbs, vitamins, minerals, teas…) I’m taking.  I’m also going to go to any doctor I can get into on Monday and demand some hormone testing! Because regardless of what they think, it’s my right to know what’s going on with my body. Yeah.

This has all come about because I had another mini meltdown after the hard weekends work.  At my most dramatic I told Ducks that I didn’t even want a baby anymore.  At my least dramatic, I was silent for hours which is not like me at all.

Imagine my despair when I realised that our insem dates for this month coincided with our donors partner’s major surgery!!! Once again however, he has proved himself the true star and is happy to make a couple of donations the 2 days prior to the surgery, just not on the day.  It might make us a teeny tiny bit early but I’m not too worried. How lucky am I!!???

We’re going to Bali in May and I WILL be pregnant by then. OK.

Housekeeping

I’m teary, distracted and the only one in the office today but in the spirit of blogging at work, I will try to keep this brief.

• Melbournites – I know there are at least a hand full of you out there. Who is you GP? Do you love her? Is she open to complementary therapies? I’m getting desperate. I need someone who’ll validate that my thyroid still isn’t right and that it is, indeed, related to my fertility.

• Friends/Readers –  Remember that old blogspot page I used to have? It’s going down in a week.  Please update your bookmarks.

• Gluten free folk – what do you eat, that isn’t rice, when you NEED carbs?

That is all. I must get some work done.

Almost Proud

There are many things about this amazing country that I truly love yet I have never felt proud to be an Australian. I am not much into patriotics and nationalism but this morning, as I stood with thousands of others to hear our PM apologise to the Stolen Generation of this country’s first people I felt almost proud.

There’s a long way to go and cynical is my middle name but for today I’m going to take this apology at face value.

“Today we honour the indigenous peoples of this land, the oldest continuing cultures in human history.

We reflect on their past mistreatment.

We reflect in particular on the mistreatment of those who were stolen generations – this blemished chapter in our nation’s history.

The time has now come for the nation to turn a new page in Australia’s history by righting the wrongs of the past and so moving forward with confidence to the future.

We apologise for the laws and policies of successive parliaments and governments that have inflicted profound grief, suffering and loss on these our fellow Australians.

We apologise especially for the removal of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander children from their families, their communities and their country.

For the pain, suffering and hurt of these stolen generations, their descendants and for their families left behind, we say sorry.

To the mothers and the fathers, the brothers and the sisters, for the breaking up of families and communities, we say sorry.

And for the indignity and degradation thus inflicted on a proud people and a proud culture, we say sorry.

We the Parliament of Australia respectfully request that this apology be received in the spirit in which it is offered as part of the healing of the nation.

For the future we take heart; resolving that this new page in the history of our great continent can now be written.

We today take this first step by acknowledging the past and laying claim to a future that embraces all Australians.

A future where this parliament resolves that the injustices of the past must never, never happen again.

A future where we harness the determination of all Australians, indigenous and non-indigenous, to close the gap that lies between us in life expectancy, educational achievement and economic opportunity.

A future where we embrace the possibility of new solutions to enduring problems where old approaches have failed.

A future based on mutual respect, mutual resolve and mutual responsibility.
A future where all Australians, whatever their origins, are truly equal partners, with equal opportunities and with an equal stake in shaping the next chapter in the history of this great country, Australia.

There comes a time in the history of nations when their peoples must become fully reconciled to their past if they are to go forward with confidence to embrace their future….” Full text can be found here.

Too bad the Leader of the Opposition couldn’t rise to the occasion without the racism and grandstanding of which we have become so accustomed.

Sad, sorry and out

I’m bleeding. Another month, another tiny break in my heart.

I don’t think there’ll be too many more months that I can take this without it having lasting damage.  It’s not so much the disappointment of a BFN that fucks with you, rather it’s the crazy 2ww.  It cannot be good for you to feel that unstable 2 of every 4 weeks.

Ducks and I discussed taking a significant break (like 6 months) if it doesn’t happen by April and as much as that thought pains me, I think it may be really worthwhile.  But big things will have to change and I’ll have to quit my job because there is no way I can be there for another year AND there is no point in going through the trauma of finding a new job if I’m only going to be there for less than a year. (And I need to work somewhere for at least 12 months in order to get maternity leave…)

Anyway, let’s not get too self indulgent and pitiful – there are 2 months and a lot of things that can happen in that time.

Sorry

White Australia has a black history.  The wounds are deep and the scars will outlive you and I.  It’s been a long time coming and it’s certainly not even close to enough but apparently our government is finally sorry. Tomorrow will be a momentous day in the history of this country and one no one is likely to forget fast.

I’m sorry.

Bring on the chocolate and roses and reject the broken hearts

It’s been a pretty sweet weekend here at Chez Plump.  The idea of me being pregnant is getting more tangible and less conceptual these days and even Ducks is getting into reading all the baby books. Until now, I’ve pretty much driven this TTC machine and have felt a little nervous about it in the sense that I worry that I’ve bullied/pressured Ducks into the whole thing.  The truth of the matter is, that were she not with me, children would probably not be on Ducks’ agenda for several more years, if ever. What I’m starting to feel more comfortable understanding now is that she is with me and because she loves me, she wants to have a kid with me.  And because the timing right now makes sense, we are doing it now. Does that make sense?  I figure this isn’t the strangest concern ever, right? Think of all the reluctant first-time Dads out there.  Often it’s not until the baby pops out that they ever really connect with the wonderment of it all.

Anyway, I have to say that my heart sang this morning when she asked me if I’d taken Nurofen for my headache/fucked neck yesterday…”Because Kaz (Cook) says you musn’t take ibuprofen when you’re pregnant!” Of course, I knew this, I’ve probably even told her this several times, but she’s into it now and the information actually means something to her.  And that, my friends, makes me very happy.

Also making me very happy was Ducks suggestion yesterday to go to have a look in BabyCo at some of the big ticket items. Shopping for babywears has not been an issue either of us have broached – perhaps out of superstition or maybe I just haven’t wanted to push the issue too much – so yesterday was fun…and shocking. I cannot believe how expensive cots are. $700 for a bit of pine with glossy white paint. I don’t think so, particularly ‘cos we expect that we’ll co-sleep a lot of the time anyway. We came home and logged into ebay. Same cot, 2 years old – $70. Ebay is my friend. BabyCo is not.

The sadness of yesterday was the final departure of A the acupuncturist. After one final needling and 3 hours of reality tv (we LOVE So you think you can Dance -Australia) last night, we bid her farewell.  Of course, she only lives 5 minutes away but I think I’ve truly exhausted my privilege at this point and am incredibly thrilled and grateful for all the spoiling I’ve had.

Which brings us to today, Monday.  I’m due to bleed on Wednesday and my chart is looking very pretty.  I will not test before my period is due which means that POAS day is Valentines Day. What more poignant (or cheesy) way to celebrate our 7th Valentines Day together than to confirm a pregnancy? Sure it’s a sign…just like all the pregnant women at the supermarket are a sign, and the great sale on maternity clothes, and and and…   Regardless, our fingers and toes are crossed for an unforgettable Valentines Day. It’s almost too exciting!

back on the horse…

Wow. I have been a slack blogger.  Even when I’ve blogged in the last little while, I haven’t really blogged.  It seems to me that blogging is a bit like going to the gym.  It’s all good and fun and inspiring until you miss a day or 2. Then 2 days becomes 2 weeks and 2 months and so on…. Before you know it, you haven’t been to the gym for 2 years, but in your head, you’re still a gym goer.  You might have had a good day once, last May, when you just popped in and did 10 minutes on the treadmill and half ass-edly lifted some easy weights. Hell, you’re still paying the monthly membership, you might as well get something out of the $50 a month you’re pretty much donating to the YMCA. Still, you do want to be a gym goer. And you really want the benefits of being a gym goer.  But the longer you leave it, the harder it gets.

I am in that place with blogging  at the moment and NOW is the time  to get my groove back.

So…Today is 8dpo and I’m feeling pretty sane on the pregnancy possibility front. Despite the ugly and inexplicable rash which covered my face and neck from Saturday until Thursday (that the doctor thought was shingles!!! It was NOT shingles.  — I hear you Owlie on the NO available Dr’s thing – I tried 10 clinics before I went to a dodgy drop-in place), the cramps that woke me up 2 nights ago and the pretty chart with a possible implantation dip, I am neither getting excited, nor talking myself into wonderful and mysterious symptoms. I have to confess though that I’ve been very lucky on the acupuncture front this 2ww.  A friend of ours had to flee her house because of a re-infestation of bed bugs and alas, said friend, a TCM practitioner has been with us all week. I’ve practically had acupuncture on demand all week and it has been wonderful. It really helped with my spots and itches too.  If I’m pregnant this month though, I think 90% of the kudos will have to go to A the acupuncturist!

…I’m off to work out how to link fertility friend to the blog now…

It’s good to be back!